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Too many parents these days can’t say no. As a result, they find themselves raising children who respond greedily to the advertisements aimed right at them. Even getting what they want doesn’t satisfy some kids; they only want more. Now, a growing number of psychologists, educators and parents think it’s time to stop the madness and start teaching kids about what’s really important: values like hard work, contentment, honesty and compassion. The struggle to set limits has never been tougher and the stakes have never been higher. One recent study of adults who were overindulged as children, paints a discouraging picture of their future:

when given too much too soon, they grow up to be adults who have difficulty coping with life’s disappointments. They also have distorted sense of entitlement that gets in the way of success in the work place and in relationships. Psychologists say that parents who overindulge their kids, set them up to be more vulnerable to future anxiety and depression. Today’s parents themselves raised on values of thrift and self-sacrifice, grew up in a culture where ‘no’ was a household word. Today’s kids want much more, partly because there is so much more to want. The oldest members of this generation were born in the late 1980s, just as PCs and video games were making their way into the family room. They think of MP3 players and flat screen TV as essential utilities, and they have developed strategies to get them. One survey of teenagers found that when they crave for something new, most expect to ask nine times before their parents give in. By every measure, parents are shelling out record amounts. In the heat of this buying blitz, even parents who desperately need to say no find themselves reaching for their credit cards.

Today’s parents aren’t equipped to deal with the problem. Many of them, raised in the 1960s and 70s, swore they’d act differently from their parents and have closer relationships with their own children. Many even wear the same designer clothes as their kids and listen to the same music. They work more hours; at the end of a long week, it’s tempting to buy peace with ‘yes’ and not mar precious family time with conflict. Anxiety about the future is another factor. How do well intentioned parents say no to all the sports gear and arts and language lessons they believe will help their kids thrive in an increasingly competitive world? Experts agree: too much love won’t spoil a child. Too few limits will. What parents need to find, is a balance between the advantages of an affluent society and the critical life lessons that come from waiting, saving and working hard to achieve goals.

That search for balance has to start early. Children need limits on their behaviour because they feel better and more secure when they live within a secured structure. Older children learn self-control by watching how others, especially parents act. Learning how to overcome challenges is essential to becoming a successful adult. Few parents ask kids to do chores. They think their kids are already overburdened by social and academic pressures. Every individual can be of service to others, and life has meaning beyond one’s own immediate happiness. That means parents eager to teach values have to take a long, hard look at their own.